Popstars of the Apocalypse Act 4 scene 2

Act 4 scene 2

Mr Hands’ classroom Cecilia knocks on the door accompanied by Miss Lookaway.  Waiting outside they hear a command of ‘don’t come in’ The radio is on and playing the present hit by the self styled Prapper, or ‘pop-rapper’ Dr Fresh Prawn. They hear the lyrics coming from Mr Hand’s computer.

Radio:

Frothing at the mouth, will you eat my oyster   euuuughh

I know you’re young but I am too

And tonight I really want you…

Baby to eat my oyster.

Down in one, like a slow one

I’m the Fresh Prawn, with a little slice

Of lemon, take it down nice

Baby will you eat my oyster?

Oyster, oyster.

The radio is abruptly turned off and the music stops. There is the sound of a zipper being pulled up.

Sweetly from within: ‘Come in’.

Mr Hands: Excuse me, just enjoying one of my favourite little boystar friends. He sure was a very flexible young man a genuine desire to give pleasure and also so willing to take advice on how to succeed, despite initial reluctance to perform. We soon put him right though, and now he can be depended on to perform anywhere anytime and anything.

Cecilia:  What kind of things?

Mr Hands: What a question to ask dear Cecilia? Why his songs of course. He was, let me assure you despite your apparent lack of enthusiasm, he was, may I say,  a real pleasure to work with here at our little stella nursery here. As I hope you will be too young Cecilia. Addressing Miss Lookaway How sisterly of you Miss Lookaway to chaperone this young innocent. Addressing Cecilia Now ,I have your new timetable here and a few other bits and pieces for you.Hands a printed sheet of paper to Cecilia. Would you just read through this and sign and date it at the bottom? It’s just a standard school contract which we use here.

Cecilia: reading aloud I agree to wear the mandated Virgin Woods drama school uniform... I agree to be present at school from at least 8:30am each day and to remain on school grounds until 3:30pm.  I agree with not to use the IT labs to search for pornographic material... I agree not to disclose information about the Virgin Woods drama school to non students and other members of the community... What does this mean?

Miss Lookaway: Don’t worry about the details Cecilia, you can just sign it. It’s a standard student agreement contract. I’m sure you’re a good girl so you needn’t be too concerned about the  details.

Cecilia: Um ok. Signs the contract.

Mr Hands:  No, you must sign in blood. I have a pocket knife here somewhere.

Cecilia stares at him.

Mr Hands: chuckling Just a joke my dear Cecilia. You must learn a sense of humour, it’s the key to survival here.

Cecilia. Slightly sardonically Riiight. Starts looking around the classroom at the posters on the walls. Those pictures look good, can I have a look?

Mr Hands: Of course Cecilia, make yourself at home, with dodgy Godfather accent mi casa es su casa, as the Italian Mafia say.

Cecilia: Do they indeed. Well thanks. Cecilia stands up and starts to inspect the children’s pictures on the walls. She goes from one picture to the next, then from one wall of the classroom to the other and starts to become slightly puzzled. Why are all the pictures about aliens. Why are the students drawing pictures of aliens? What lesson is that? What’s that got to do with George Steinbeck and Shakespeare?

Mr Hands: raising his eyebrows, surprised by the question. Well Cecilia, you pull no punches I see. Well let me ask you a question in order to answer yours:  you don’t for one second think we’re all alone in the universe do you?

Cecilia: I don’t know sir, but I don’t see what that has to do with GCSE’s.

Mr Hands: With a slightly confidential tone Well maybe you should start thinking about it Cecilia. You see that’s what sets our school apart from the usual bog standard comprehensives from which you have just lately been delivered. We aim to give our students not just an academic education but also a universal one. The world is not a world of paper and ink but of real phenomenon. Mysterious as they are. The universe is full of all sorts of life, we are aware of only the tiniest portion of what is really out there. On our little blue green ball there is all sorts of different animals and all sorts of people, just think what kinds of things are out there in the rest of the universe. Maybe there are even aliens here on earth but they’re hiding so we can’t see them.

Cecilia: incredulously Hiding?

Mr Hands: Warming to the theme But of course. Hiding. Perhaps showing themselves only to those who are can put aside their prejudices and accept them for what they are and are willing to learn from them. They would have so much to teach us wouldn’t they? If you think about it. Only someone rooted in insularity and prejudice would ignore the existence of alien beings and would reject their existence. The ultimate form of racism perhaps the only real racism which can exist because the human race is after all, only one race, but an alien race of different beings….wouldn’t tolerance of them and an attempt of ‘rapprochement’ be the ultimate sign of one having the correct outlook and not being  prey to racist attitudes and bigotry?

Cecilia: How do you know they would want to teach us anything? Maybe they’d just come and eat us.

Mr Hands: Well, maybe they would eat some of us. But other people would make themselves useful to them and they wouldn’t eat those people. That’s the way to do it Cecilia.

Cecilia:  Huh?

Mr Hands: If you stick with me I’ll guarantee that it won’t be you who gets eaten.

Cecilia: Raising a single eyebrow Are you ok Sir?

Mr Hands: Just a little joke Cecilia. I keep telling you, you need to seriously develop a sense of humour, it’s the only way to survive.

Cecilia: You keep saying that. It’s a bit creepy.

Mr Hands: It’s only the truth my dear Cecilia. One is entitled to fear the unknown but under no circumstances is one permitted to fear the truth. Pause. Would you like to meet an alien?

Cecilia: No.

Mr Hands: Why not? Prejudice, fear?

Cecilia: Dunno, just seems a lot of hassle. I like simple things.

Mr Hands: You like Simple things eh? Well I’ve got just the thing. How would you like to meet one of our illustrious alumni, a lady by the name of Naomi Spence, better known perhaps as Player Attitude.

Cecilia: You know her?

Mr Hands: My dear girl, I was her mentor. We’re very good friends. Though it seems my alien friends will have to wait then until you have got over the simple things.

Cecilia: So I can meet her?

Mr Hands: Any time. All I have to do is call her.

Cecilia: Awestruck Wow!

Mr Hands: Imperceptibly shaking his head in disguised and surprised contempt. Simple things indeed. Well, I’ll make that call presently. When are you free? This evening?

Cecilia: You can arrange things just like that?

Mr Hands: Of course. There’s nothing I can’t handle or manage, you’ll discover sooner or later that my arm is very long indeed.

Cecilia: quizzically What about your hands Mr Hands?

Mr Hands: Let’s just  say…they’re very busy.

Cecilia: And rather hairy.

Mr Hands: You cannot judge a man by his hands.

Cecilia: Actually you can. And rather well in my experience.

Mr Hands: correcting– Your rather limited experience.